On the day of my Diksha, I had a really bad headache; I couldn’t get out of bed, and felt almost senseless. Thakur (Gurudev) said, ‘ It is Gosaiji’s orders that I have to give Diksha now’. There were three of us in that room, Gurudev, your Thakur and me. When Gurudev finished giving Diksha, he said to your
Thakur, ‘It is under Gosaiji’s orders that I gave Diksha, but you have to teach the rest.’ Gurudev gave me the same Mantra that your Thakur had given me on our wedding night. On this day, Gurudev called me MONI. No one knew my other name was MONI.
Lots of miraculous incidents occurred when your Thakur was in Samadhi. Initially I used to wonder why they happened. I realised later. The older I got the more I tried to understand Him. As I was getting older, I tried to understand him more. The more I understood Him the more I realised how unworthy I really was to be His wife. I felt I was very fortunate. I got Him as a result of lots of hard sadhanas in my past lives. Due to my own mistakes I lost Him in my previous lives. I do not want to make the same mistake again. That is why I always got frightened to go to Him or talk to Him. I often wanted to look after Him, offer my Puja, but I could not. I was frightened of His dejection I am only a simple woman, I don’t have much knowledge. Sometimes He would stop talking or eating. It was then that I realised, I had done something wrong. I would be frightened.
What can I say about Him? My name is Sailabala- (.another name for Ma Durga) She had to meditate hard to in order to get Lord Shiva – I too am doing the same. This Shiva (your Thakur) had a heart of stone- I never saw him disheartened about anything. He just always kept smiling. He has jumped into burning fires without getting burnt in order to rescue people. Without being able to swim He managed to rescue drowning people. Once I saw Him in a deep sleep and a snake was on His bed. I have seen all these incidents with my own eyes. Many supernatural incidents took place in the room where He stayed.
I used to keep myself at a distance, but when I realised and understood everything, I knew what mistake I had made. Lots of people used to tell me things about Him, which made me confused. Later I realised that they were all lies. He has made so many promises to so many people. If He can’t keep these promises it will be his fault. He knows what is He doing. My duty is to look after Him.
22nd of June, He went into deep Samadhi (deep meditation). I was crying. Gosaiji and Gurudev said,‘ this time We are leaving Him. You should look after Him yourself and do puja with five tulsi leaves (bay leaves) on His forehead everyday. When He isn’t there, do it on His bed and Asana’. I said, ‘ how can I get Him everyday?’ Gurudev said, ‘ silly girl, make a permanent Asana for Him and make His foot prints there.’ I prepared an Ashan Bedi with His footprints on Guru Purnima day. Gosaiji and Gurudev asked me do my Puja to this Ashan Bedi and footprints, and I am doing this. I do it when I finish my Puja for Gosai and Grudev. Gurudev said, ‘ you will get everything by doing His Puja.’ Am I really capable of doing this? Please tell your Thakur to forgive me for my mistakes and bless me. If I say anything to you, please do not misunderstand me. Please forgive me and consider me as your ignorant mother.
Please accept my blessings. . Enjoy yourself with your Thakur. Try to love each other forgetting bitterness and anger. If you can love each other you will love everybody.
Smt. Sailabala Devi.
to the top | previous page